I've always liked Moe from the Simpsons. He's the epitome of a pathetic sleaze-ball, yet somehow there's a sad aspect to him. Sad as in boo-hoo, not sad as in haw haw. A few days ago I was discussing favorite Moe-ments (This is the last time I use that pun, I promise) with a friend and realized there are quite a few good ones. Here are some of my favorites:
From "Who Shot Mr. Burns, Part 2" (Season 7)
This one is probably my favorite Moe moment of all
[Moe is strapped to a lie detector machine]
Eddie: "Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?"
Moe: "All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him."
Eddie: "Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go."
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
Moe: "A date."
Moe: "Dinner with friends."
Moe: "Dinner alone."
Moe: "Watching TV alone."
Moe: "All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog."
Moe: "Sears catalog."
Moe: "Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment."
From "Homer the Smithers" (Season 7)
This is my FAVORITE Moe-crank-call-threat even though it's not really a crank call, nor is it Bart making the call... Actually it's funnier because it's Mr. Burns making the call and dialing S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S on the phone get's Moe's bar...
Moe: Oh... So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh?... First name Waylon, is it?! Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove 'em down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!"
From "Homer vs. Patty and Selma" (Season 6)
Most lines from seasons 4 - 8 are amazing.
[Homer has asked Moe for a loan]
Moe: "Sure, Homer, I can loan you the money. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance."
Homer: "Gee, Moe, that seems a bit extreme. Couldn't you just bash my brains in?"
Moe: "Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works?"
[Pulls out a sledgehammer]
Moe: "Now, let's do this thing."
From "Homer's Phobia" (Season 8)
Gotta love the Gay episode.
Moe: Cheer up, Homer. You still got that other kid, Lisa. We'll take her hunting and make her into a man.
Homer: She'll never go. She's a vegetarian.
Moe: Oh my god, Homer, you and Marge aren't really cousins, are you?
From "The Simpsons: Pygmoelian" (Season 11)
Season 11 was probably the Last Season of Simpsons that I actually watched. I love this episode. My favorite part is the first quote.
[Dr. Velimirovic and his nurse prepare Moe, who lies on the operating table with his eyes closed, for surgery]
Nurse: Hoo-boy, what a mug.
Dr. Velimirovic: Yeah, you should see his genitals. Would you like to see them?
Moe: I'm awake here.
Moe: Aw, c'mon, look at me. I'm a gargoyle. What with the cauliflower ear, there, and the lizard lips...
Carl: Little rat eyes...
Homer: Caveman brow...
Lenny: Don't forget that fish snout.
Moe: Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.
Lenny: Or listen to.
Carl: Or be with.
Moe: I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.
From "Dude, Where's My Ranch?" (Season 14)
This is my Friend's absolute FAVORITE quote. I think it sums up Moe's Character pretty well.
Moe, Moe, Moe!
How do you like me? How do you like me!?
Moe, Moe, Moe!
Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me...
From "Jaws Wired Shut" (Season 13)
They would never have said Orgasmville in 1996. How things change...
Escort Rep: Hello?
Moe: Yea I'd like to arrange for an escort please?
Escort Rep: To where?!
Moe: HOW BOUT ORGASMVILLE!"
From "Hurricane Neddy" (Season 7)
I Apologize for the animated .gif - Also, this isn't from this episode but... meh...
Flanders: You ugly, hate-filled man.
Moe: Hey, I may be ugly and hate-filled, but ... wait, what was the third thing you said?
From "The Simpsons: The Springfield Connection" (Season 6)
This is another favorite. I pretty much say what Moe says anytime anyone says "Garage"
Homer: Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage?
Moe Szyslak: The "garage"? Hey fellas, the "garage"! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.
Homer: Well what do you call it?
Moe Szyslak: A car hole!
From "Bart Sells His Soul" (Season 7)
There are so many good lines from this episode. I'm just going to list most of what Moe says.
Moe: Oh, everybody is going to family restaurants these days, tsk. Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more.
Carl: You ain’t thinking of getting rid of the dank, are you, Moe?
Moe: Ehh, maybe I am.
Carl: Oh, but Moe: the dank. The dank!
Moe: If you like good food, good fun, and a whole lot of…crazy crap on the walls, then come on down to Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag.
Announcer: At Moe’s, we serve good old-fashioned home cooking deep fried to perfection.
[Moe submerges a whole tray covered with food, utensils, etc., in the deep fryer]
[he takes the fried tray to a couple, who break off pieces and give him the thumbs-up]
Moe: Now that’s Moe like it! So bring the whole family. Mom, Dad, kids — er, no old people. They’re not covered by our insurance. It’s fun! And remember our guarantee: if I’m not smiling when your check comes, your meal’s on me. Uncle Moe’s!
[smiles right into the camera]
Singers: Come to Uncle Moe’s for family fun, it’s good, good, good, good, good good-good!
[Ralph squirts Moe with a squirt gun and laughs]
Moe: Hey, what the hell are you doing, you little freak?
[Ralph starts bawling]
Moe: [apologetic] Ooh, sorry, kid, sorry. I’m not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist drill. But no, no, that was funny, that was funny taking away my dignity like that, ha ha ha.
[Moe jumps out with sparklers and fries on his head in a basket]
Moe: Here you go! Here I am!
Uncle Moe -- thank you, ma'am!
This'll be a treat:
Uncle Moe! Here I am, while you eat!
[leans down; Rod tries a couple of fries]
Moe: Please take the fries off my head, kid. The basket is extremely hot.
Child: Unky Moe?
Moe: [trying hard for control] Whaaat…is it, sweetheart?
Child: My sodie is too cold. My teef hurt!
Moe: [mock sympathy] Oh, your “teef” hurt, huh? Your “teef” hurt? Well that’s too freaking bad! You hear me? I’ll tell you where you can put your freaking sodie too